Redneck Birth Signs/Horoscopes
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of
them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I
suppose I'll even see a ram.
Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on a plate.
There are no lions and not too many scorpions, not many archers and no
darn water bearers. Virgins??? The neighborhood's not crawling with them
either.
SO, what we need here is some relevance.
We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTHDATE
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually
very slick onthe inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can
look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins often come from humble
backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where
they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's
motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with
Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius,
and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to
bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right
mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of
time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance
of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to
be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not!
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it
won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - Jun 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in
an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer
the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to
the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (Jun 22 - Jul 23) Collards have a genius for
communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their
essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't
work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of
the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy
bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay
away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or
butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to
help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your
friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really
much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody
you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road
of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for
you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You as a Butter Bean, should
be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter
what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too shouldn't
have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough
exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old
friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're
really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You
probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating
possibility.
