Did ya hear the one about.........



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SMILE!





THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY!





~~"What goes up.........."

National Health Insurance, Inc.
ATTN: Claims Review
PO Box 17342
New York, NY 12276

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident report form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind, and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope as it came back down on me and broke both my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred.

Sincerely,
Billy Wohlnut



Smiley



~~ CHURCH SIGNS ~~

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for a church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

""If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)



Smiley



Smile


How bout some blonde jokes?



Smiley


TWO SISTERS:


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,
they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their
last $600 dollars out West to another ranch where a man
has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull,
and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that
he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only
has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able
to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says,
"I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the
word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
She'll read it real slow."


Smiley


~~ WELL...DUH? ~~


A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she
suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm.
The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented
up really bad.

The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents
looked at. The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite
dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her
to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets
home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard
as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is
blonde shows up.
Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe
and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly,
"What are you doing!?"

She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe
real hard and the dents would pop out. Her girlfriend says "Duh!”
”You need to roll up the windows first!"


Smiley


~~ ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE ~~

"Ice Fisher!"

A blonde decided to go ice fishing one day. She took a large auger with her, found the right spot, and started drilling. When the hole was almost complete, a mystical voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The blonde fell to her knees, looked in every direction, but saw nothing. However, just to be on the safe side, she walked about 50 feet away and started a second hole. But just as she was completing the hole the same voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Astounded, the blonde looked all about her, and moved on to make a third hole. Just as she was completing the third hole, the same voice thundered, "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"



Smiley


~~"DOUGHBOY WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER"~~
(The actual AP headline)

Linda X, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from behind her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.



Smiley



~~ PRACTICE EARTHQUAKE SAFETY ~~

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.

~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.


Mouse Revenge
"Revenge of the mouse!"


~"And you have a happy day too!!"~



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[Many Thanks to Mikey's Funnies/forwarded by Keith Thomas & Nancy Gale]
[Mouse Revenge forwarded by Brad Smith!]


"Thanks for these great animations!"



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